One thing that I have learned about law school is that adequate finals preparation is a fine balance between getting enough rest and getting enough caffeine. Well – it’s over now and I have two semesters of this left before I have to hit that balance during my bar-study stint. This is my meager attempt at apologizing and making excuses for my lack of blog posts. It’s summer now so blogging here I come!

And we move forward…

This next post entitled “Dating a Girl With No Hair” is something that I have been meaning to write about for a while. I am going to separate it into different segments because there is so much I have to say and I have so many experiences to share with you.

Part I

I used to watch a show with my mom called America’s Next Top Model. It may or may not still be on the air – I have no idea. In every “cycle” of the show there would always be an episode where Tyra Banks asked the model wannabes to change their hairstyle. It was usually something drastic like – gasp! – asking them to shave their heads or cut it really short. We would always laugh because the women would literally cry about having to change their hairstyle. It’s hard to describe what its like watching these kind of reactions as a woman who will never have a bad hair cut to cry about. It’s not an emotional response, but you almost feel sorry for them.

I tell this story because its a glimpse into the life of an American woman (and man for that matter) – constantly bombarded by images of the ideal physique, skin color, makeup, hair, clothes, nails, toes, etc. Physical appearance is regarded with such importance that an unwanted temporary change makes women break down into tears on national television. Physical appearance can drastically affect the way a woman values herself (it shouldn’t, but it does) and in my personal experience, this changes the way a woman searches for a partner.

I’m engaged now – to be married in August of this year. My fiance is the most amazing, kind, loving, spiritual, caring, and definitely handsome man I’ve ever met. These stories and life lessons led me to him and turned me into the woman he loves, so I look back on all of them fondly.

I don’t have hair – he probably won’t like me.

Wait. What?! It’s HAIR. Seriously? Believe it or not, this is an actual thought that I used to have.

I can tell you I have never dated or met a man who (at least to my knowledge) cared that I was bald. And I am really stretching it here – I am talking about all the way back to middle school days, where you had your friends communicate things to your boyfriend for you and holding hands meant that you were pretty serious (at least in my circle). I used to honestly worry about this… seriously worry that the guy I liked would find out I was bald. Maybe my experience is a unique one and I was just really lucky – I’m not sure, but I am being honest. I won’t use any of your names in these posts, if you figure out that I’m talking about you, feel good because it means you had a positive impact on my life. I will also preface these stories by saying I’ve always had a great support system in close friends and family.

The First Guy Who I Was Forced to Have an Actual Conversation with About Alopecia 

And it wasn’t the first guy I seriously dated. Which now that I think about it is actually really strange because he and I were very close.

I was probably sixteen years old. My youngest sister was about four years old – talking a lot and really starting to bother me and get in the way of my teenage spirit. This guy I was dating came over to hang out at our house and my little sister whispers in his ear “did you know my sister wears a wig?” Hey, super awkward! Thanks a lot.

He did not care at all.

I was really mad at my sister at first, but now that I think about it, it was really a huge weight off of me. No more hiding. He and I dated for a few months and were really good friends for a while after that, too.

Who Knows?

Just advice for anyone with alopecia on the dating scene – guys are completely oblivious. Girls can usually spot a wig, maybe not right away, but after a while. Guys cannot. At all. You have to tell them.

A short while after that incident with my sister, another guy I had a crush on in high school started actually talking to me. We hung out at school during lunch and stuff but it never really moved past that. Anyway, there is one specific memory I have of him.

Some girl (who also liked him) told him that I had cancer and I was sick and that’s why I wear a wig. First of all I could never figure out why this girl thought that me having cancer would make me any less desirable – but my feelings were really hurt. Mostly because this girl knew nothing about me and had never even bothered to talk to me about anything besides the weather – yet here she was sharing with people what would definitely be an intimate detail about my health. OK, I was actually really mad at her.

He did not care at all.

Actually I was surprised because he seemed really concerned and wanted to know if it was true and if I was okay. Strange behavior for a sixteen year old boy. I told him I was fine and that the girl was just spreading rumors. I told him about alopecia and what it is and why I wear a wig. And this I specifically remember – he said, “Okay, well that’s cool I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” And we continued to eat lunch.

I’ll end Part I by leaving you with this: hair is not important nor does it define you. It’s okay to feel self-conscious, but it’s not okay to devalue yourself based on a superficial belief (or fact, rather) that you are different from others. Any man or woman that cannot deal with your beautiful baldness is not worth your time or effort.

Also, people with no hair can do this: http://youtu.be/ym6zfJLAJ8Y

The bandanna was kind of my thing. I grew up watching 90’s and early 2000’s pop music videos, so if I wasn’t going to have hair, why not a bandanna? I was lucky to have grown up in such a fashion-forward era…

Ah yes, the 2000’s were glorious.

The Birth of the Bandanna. When I first lost my hair I wasn’t sure what I was going to do as far as head-wear. For a while, I wore some funky hats. I remember this one I got at Disneyland that was a cheetah print cowboy hat. I also had some knitted ones that were pretty warm and looked decent. I eventually decided on the bandanna. Then there was the bandanna/baseball cap combo, just in case you were wondering if I was ever a tomboy.

I think I wore it better than Justin.

That’s me, holding my tiny infant sister. She’s 12 now.

Branding Your Bandanna Image. Okay, so I have a lot of stories about my bandanna days. First of all, people look at you different when you wear a bandanna. It’s like, they can’t figure out what you are about. Are you in a gang? Do you have cancer? Are you trying one of those new-age things where you shave your head and act like a complete idiot? Do you like attention? Of course, the answer to all of these was a resounding NO. Except, I have to say, after a while, the bandanna kind of took over. It was like – “yeah, I am wearing a bandanna. Let’s add baggy parachute pants, a cut off t-shirt, eyeliner, and some Avril Lavigne style punk wrist bands. BOOM. Time for middle school.” Needless to say, middle school was a weird time for me – but then again, who isn’t having a weird time in middle school? The cool thing about it was that the bandanna would have definitely been against dress code had all the teachers not been afraid to ask me to not wear it. I think my mom may have met with staff after I lost my hair to prevent this. Mom, feel free to confirm or deny.

The Church Lady. I remember this one time at church (I never went to band-camp), an older lady came right up to me, grabbed my face, got right up in my business  and pretty much yelled “God Bless you child!” Right in front of everyone. Now, I know she probably meant well, but that was really not okay. Talk about motivation to get a wig. Strangers grabbing my face and acting like I was dying was NOT what I wanted nor needed at this time in my life. I don’t know why, but this has always stuck with me for some reason. I don’t know if my family even remembers this happening. I have always hated people feeling sorry for me.

Think Before You Speak. Once an umpire at my softball tournament told me I was breaking the rules because I was wearing a bandanna. There was this silly thing in club and little league softball where you couldn’t wear anything on your head, no earrings, necklaces, and apparently no bandannas. Anyways, my mom got all up in this guys face. Then he said something to the effect of “well maybe if she’s sick she shouldn’t be playing softball.” I just remember thinking “this guy is a real [expletive].” Long story short he ended up feeling really bad and stupid and I got to play the rest of my softball career with a bandanna on, no questions asked, thanks to the head umpire. Also you feel pretty B.A. walking onto the field/court in a bandanna.

Then, when I was 16, I remember there was this younger girl who also had alopecia, playing in the same league but for the younger age division. I remember that she eventually got her eyebrows tattooed and they looked great. She used to wear a red bandanna to match whatever team she was on at that time, it was really cute. She must have been 9 or 10 when I first met her, but it was like we both felt so relieved to have met each other. At least I did. The only time I ever saw her was around the softball fields. I gave her some advice on wigs (I was wearing an expensive human-hair suction-type at the time) and I know she eventually got the one I recommended for her. I will always be kind of sad that I never made more time to be a role model and meet with her more often. I at least hope that she never got any trouble from an umpire.

AWESOME.

Even after I got my first wig I found the bandanna to be a very versatile accessory. They make bandannas in almost any color scheme imaginable. After a while the bandanna became a sort of comfort. I had glue/tape for my wigs and all that, but during sports I would usually still wear the bandanna. Also, they are pretty comfortable once you learn how to tie them. (Over, Under, Pull the Flap Through, Repeat, Tighten). And bandannas are an absolute must-have for swimming with alopecia.

In conclusion, if you are looking for a versatile accessory that will make you feel totally cool and invincible as well as present you with a lot of funny stories to tell, I highly recommend the bandanna in any color.